So this is my Christmas tale for the evening.
Some may laugh, and some may not find it appealing.
Whether you’re young or old.
Or if you’re bread’s covered in mold.
You will laugh.
So what? There’s nothing that goes with laugh, I’m sorry.
Anyway, this is my story about how I brought Christmas to the lonely complex known as the North Pole. Now I know what you’re thinking, “The North Pole? Isn’t that where Santa lives? How could they need Christmas?” Well, you’ll find out later. So, I was flying to the North Pole in this Chinook helicopter that I stole from the military, they weren’t very happy about it either, because they tried to shoot me down. This of course confused me. Why are they flipping a bitch about this helicopter if all they’re going to do is shoot it down anyway? Well, I showed them what a 18 year old kid can do and did a barrel roll. Something their puny F22’s couldn’t handle, and they politely backed off because they KNEW, I meant business. Santa screwed me over last year, and dammit, he’s paying what he owes. BIG TIME! So I arrive at the North Pole. How do I know? Because there was a small shack that said “Welcome to the North Pole” on it. How do I know that from the helicopter? Because I landed on it. Hahaha.
So, I step out of the helicopter and say “Looks like someone-“, and I take out my sunglasses and put them on “-Should have stayed off the grass”.
I was of course referring to frosty the snow man, who was obviously stoned out of his brain. The helicopter landed on his head and he kept talking about a cannon of some sort…Anyway, I walk over to this piece of shit shed, and politely kick the door in. With my fists. I was immediately met by an elf. Who, when he saw my manliness, immediately cowered behind his desk. I turned my head toward him, so he could see that I was wearing sunglasses, and therefore meant business, and told him that I was sent here by the President to tour the complex. Still dazed at my awesome show of kickass earlier, this poor elf couldn’t bring himself to say anything. So, I simply push past him into the “Secret door” that gave me access to the place. As soon as I did that, this elf decided to grow some balls and asked “Who are you?” I simply told him “I am the emissary, for President Obama himself”, but I guess that wasn’t enough for him because he asked “Can I see a badge or ID or something?” I blew him off, and instead asked him “What’s your name? Pedro? James? Timmy? Bob?”, “It’s Charles…” he said. “Look here Chip! I yelled, you will put a “SIR” after every sentence you address to me, or so help me god I will wear your ass as a cuff link you got that!?”, “Yeyeyeyeye yes sir!”, he sputtered out. “Good.” I said, and continued walking down the hall. “So sir” he said, “what are you looking for?”. “Well Chimichonga, I’m just inspecting the facilities for any weapons of mass destruction, or terrorists”, I told him flatly. “I see, well we don’t have either here, all we do is build toys and monitor the activities of the children” he said. “Well, we want to be absolutely sure. Which is why I am here” I said. “So…sir, what branch are you with?” Chad said. “Jesus Christ you ask a lot of questions! Do you have a shut the hell up switch or something on you!?” I yelled at him. “Nununununununununun no sir…I don’t, but I’m just wanting to know you’re not an imp-” I cut him off. “Do I LOOK like an impostor to you? Look at all this military looking shit I have on!?”
That was enough for him, because he was quiet for the next five minutes. Which was annoying, because I had grown accustomed to his constant whining. So I ask him “Hows elf life?”. “It’s great. All we really do is work all day, but I mean it’s a living. I’m one of the lucky guys, I just have to guard the place” he said, finally smiling. “Yeah Chet, you did a great ass job too. You kept an 18 year old military agent out of the place. Just imagine if I was a terrorist or something?”. Chancey lowered his eyes, and then he said “Maybe, but I’m just one guy, I wouldn’t have been able to do much against a person like you sir”. “You damn straight son!” I replied.
“Is this the cannon?” I asked. Pointing to the door that had the initials “LOIC” on it. “Frosted Flakes kept mentioning some kind of cannon when I drove into him with my helicopter”. “That’s a restricted area…sir” he said. I said “Oh really!? Well I guess we can’t go inside then.” that’s when I kicked the door in. With my head. You can guess which one. I’m just telling the story. With the door open, I walked into this command center and discovered what “LOIC” meant. LOW. ORBIT. ION. CANNON. If you combined mission control and NORAD into one room, this was it. It was empty too. Which sucked because I had this awesome fight scene between me and a hundred elves all planned out in my head. Damn… So I walk over to a terminal, and try to log in. I try “Frosted Butts”, and it worked. I’m so 1337. “I don’t think we’re supposed to be in here” Chamley said. “What’s our location Chez?”. “It’s Charles sir, and we’re at the north pole”, Chesnut said. “Whatever Chacey, what’s our latitude and longitude?” I ask. “90 Degrees north, why?” he askes. “Juuuuust quizzin ya Cheetah”, I say as I type the coordinates into the terminal. I then set the timer for an hour and walk out of the room. “What did you do?” Cindy asks. “Don’t worry about tha-” is all I can remember.
I guess I was knocked out. While I was out, my mind conveniently flashed back to the event that brought me to the North Pole in the first place. It was a quiet Christmas morning, and I was ready for presents. As soon as my tiny 17 year old eyes saw the days light, I sprang out of my bed and to the tree. It was full of presents, as I expected of course. I got the usuals from my parents. But there was one small box. On it it said “From Santa” that’s all I needed to know. I riped the wrapping and opened the box only to find a small note card with the words “HeeHeeHee” scribbled on it. “What’s this!?” I exclaim. “Is this some kind of joke? WTF SANTA!?” I say as my younger brother opened a new PSP from, you guessed it. SANTA! From that day forward, I devoted all of my time to making Santa pay for what he did. So anyway, I guess I’m knocked out. All I do know is that I wake up to this:
“HeeeHeeee” he says to me. “F…F…Fuck you Santa” I say. He then says “Why are you mad at me? That’s ignorant.”. “I’m ignorant? You owe me fatass YOU-OWE-ME!”, I yell at him. “Fat? I’m not fat” he says. “That’s ignorant”. “Who are you!?” I yell at him. He turns toward me, and moonwalks over to his swivel chair. Then, he sits in it. Turns around so I can’t see his face, and takes off his cap, fatsuit and pants. Wait. Fatsuit!? He then turns slowly around in the chair to reveal that it is none other, than Michael Jackson. “Michael Jackson!?” I yell. “That’s right. Shimoneuh. It’s me, you thought I was dead huh? HeeeeHeeee, I’m not dead. That’s ignorant. I just moved to the North Pole so the people would leave me alone.” I was dumbfounded. “So wait, did you deliver presents last year?” I asked. “Yes I did, I was interning with Santa, you see, I wanted to take over this place. I knew that because no one believed in Santa it would be the perfect place to hide out. All I had to do was be an apprentice for him, and then, when the time was right, get rid of hi-“. I cut him off. “Whatever, it was you. Hey would you happen to know what time it is?”. “9:45” he said. I only had 5 minutes left. “Well, it’s been fun Santa, but I’m late for a condom fitting. So you have a good one.”
I quickly left the room and pull out my iPod. This is going to be a close one. I set the song to Master Exploder, hit play and begin running down the hall. That’s when I hear Michael say “After him. He’s ignorant!” and with that. An alarm started going off signaling someone to come a kick my ass. “Awesome!” I thought to myself, and with that. I mowed down 147 elves. I killed most of them with headshots I.E. FISTS TO THE FACE!, some of the luckier guys just got broken arms and shit. They’ll live. For now. As soon as I finished of the last one, I ran through the “Secret Door” and out into the North Pole snow, and as soon as Master Exploder was finishing, the entire complex lit up into a giant flash of fire, flames, and elves. It was a glorious sight. Especially with the music. It was like fireworks or some shit like that. I had to dive just to avoid getting hit. When the explosion was over, and the complex was nothing more than a burning hole in the ground. I picked myself up. Lit my 5 victory cigars, and walked into the sunset. With the burning wreckage at my back. It was so cash.
**Disclaimer: This story is fake. No it’s not real. Nor is Santa. Michael Jackson is dead. Much respect to the man. Copyright Barry Nix. You know, the usual Jazz**
Check out my website: http://bjnix.110mb.com