Lately I’ve had so much inner turmoil that it’s hard to believe that I’m able to smile everyday. Sometimes I wonder how I’m able to keep it together so well, despite everything that’s happened as of late. I guess smiling and joking is just my way of dealing with it all. What’s even harder for me to believe is just how peaceful everything was just a few months ago.
I don’t know exactly when everything started going south for me, I don’t even know how I got to where I am right now. I know that things really started getting hard after I broke my wrists. For the first time since I came to Neumont, I felt…still feel vulnerable. Every couple of days I’ll have these vivid daydreams where I relive the accidents. I could have died. Twice.
It didn’t help when my parents decided that enough was enough and decided to get a divorce, and I think the worst thing I could have done was go home and try to deal with it. My family, is so messed up by everything that’s been going on with them, and what’s worse is that the only truly innocent people in this, my brothers, are the ones who are used as leverage against the other parent. In my opinion, they’ve been affected more by all of this than anyone else, and no one even realizes how negatively they’re affecting them. I get texts from them all the time, telling me about how bored they are, or what horrible thing my Mom said, and I know it sucks for them, because unlike me, they can’t get away. They just have to sit there and deal with it, and be pushed and pulled around by both sides.
Then there’s my Mom, who has diagnosed bipolar and in my opinion something else, who is not even the same person she was just year and a half ago. I’ve literally watched my Mom simply fall apart, and that really hurts me more than anything else. I love my Mom more than anything else in the world, and to see someone who was so strong, and so smart, and inspirational to me just…go like this. It would take a cold cold person to not feel even the slightest bit of emotion standing in my shoes. A couple of weeks ago, my Mom called me, in pure desperation. She had just gotten evicted from her apartment, and unlike the other times, my Dad wasn’t going to be there to help her. She called me and asked me to help her find a job and to give her some money to pay for the divorce. I told my Mom no. Not only because I don’t have any money but because I want nothing to do with that. If I would have been alone after that call, I would have cried. But I wasn’t, and public crying is frowned upon for guys. Besides, I didn’t want anyones sympathy.
Then something horrible happened to someone I love. I still don’t know all of the details and I don’t think I really want to know, because after I knew just the little bit I’ve been dealing with just that ever since. I’ve never been paranoid about anything or any person in my life, and then all of a sudden, I’m paranoid. Wondering this and wondering that. Extrapolating entire scenarios in my head, so vivid that after I snapped myself out of them I was as emotionally torn as if the whole thing happened. I’ve always been a worrying person, it was instilled at an early age because of my bone disease, but now I worry excessively, about tiny things. Sometimes turning a grain of salt into Mount Everest.
I thought that biking was my therapy. I would ride for hours at a time, grinding at the pedals, not to exercise or even get to a location. Just to get away from things for a little while. But I was only running away from the issues, and now that I can’t ride anymore, I can’t run away, and I’m looking at everything and it’s just so much. I didn’t realize how much there was because I was running away from it all. The worst part about all of this running away, is that when it all caught up to me, it all hit me at one time, and I couldn’t get away. It’s like being hit by a tsunami after running from it for a while. You were able to keep it at bay for a little bit, but when it hit you, and you’re already exhausted, it just consumes you.
Of course, there’s the stress of school, and at first I would just engross myself in my schoolwork to try and drown out everything, but I’ve even lost the motivation to do my work. I no longer find challenges and puzzles fun and interesting anymore, and instead of getting my work done days or even a week ahead of schedule, I just do them the day of. I’m good enough at what I do that I haven’t missed an assignment, but I never thought that I would find what we do so boring and uninteresting that I simply don’t want to do it.
Never in my life, had I had so much going on. I remember that just a few months ago I was as calm as a pond of water. I’d have a ripple every now and then. Like when Riz thought it’d be a fun idea to come in my house and shoot me in the eye with a nerf dart, or when I fell at the skillet concert. But it was never more than a ripple, and it passed just as soon as it came. I was flexible, calm, and rational. Now I’m more like a boiling pot of water, there’s a thousand things going on, and as soon as one bubble pops, there’s another one on it’s way up, and I don’t know how to get back to being the calm pond I used to be. Every step I take to go back to that point in time, just heats the fire even more. It’s like riding an escalator that goes in the opposite direction as fast as you can run. You can run forwards, but you’ll still be in the same spot. Run backwards, and you won’t move an inch. You can just not move, but still, you’re not moving anywhere.
Everyone has their own ways of expressing themselves. Some people act out, some people do into depression, I make jokes and laugh. I’ve noticed that lately my jokes have gotten more and more pointed, mixed with whatever emotion or feeling I was feeling at the time. To those that that has effected, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do that, and I’m doing my best to try and curb that.
I think one of the best things about being here while this is going on, is all of the people here. I have really great friends who are simply awesome. I hang out with them, and it makes it easier to deal with all of the stuff. One of my few best friends, Adam is a really cool guy. He’s actually one of the only people I ever talk about serious issues with. My roommates (and their girlfriends) are equally awesome. I often say that nothing but awesome comes out of that house, and that’s a true fact. Those guys are hilarious and just awesome to be around. I also have the students at Neumont who make my day each and every day, and I guess I make theirs from time to time when I crack a good joke. Lastly, there’s my amazing girlfriend, who’s just been there and helped me deal with a lot of the stuff. If I were back home, I wouldn’t be able to deal as well as I am now, and I’m so happy that I’m here now instead of there. Because I’d have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, and no one who’d make my day every day.
I never thought I would ever write a post like this on my blog, but I guess this is like my journal of sorts. I guess I’m kind of hoping someone will identify with me and might some kind of advice. Who knows…it’s a big internet out there.