Every few months I’ll go ice skating for some event at school, some community event, or because they’re letting people in free for that night. Unfortunately, I always forget that those days are usually: “I r dum an wan 2 sk8” days too.Not to say that everyone who goes to those things are dumb, but Jesus Christ there are some people who make me want to put the tip of my skate in the back of their skull…
People who are learning how to skate for the first time
Look, I know everyone wasn’t born awesome like me. I mean, I was born with roller blades already attached to my feet, as a matter of fact I skated out of the womb and was called a miracle of science by my doc. Either way, I know that everyone’s gotta start somewhere, but that somewhere is not in the middle of the lane. Scratch that. My Lane. That’s like learning how to ride your bike in the middle of a 6 lane highway. You’re just trying to keep your balance while there are 20 people blowing past you faster than you can fall on your face. If you’re trying to figure out how to skate, then do it on the outside of the lane, where speed demons with a death wish like myself are seldom going to be skating.
People who don’t pay attention
So you got some skillz. You can at least stay on your two feet for a half hour. I’m proud of you. Really. Now please, skate like you have some sense and pay attention to what’s going on around you. As I said earlier, I’m a speed demon with a death wish, and there are plenty more at the skating rink like me. The last thing I need, is for you to decide that you want to talk to your best buddy and make a 90 degree turn for the wall right in front of me. Did I mention that it’s REALLY hard for me to stop at these speeds? Because that’s pretty important for you to realize how much danger you’re putting yourself in. I’ll be just fine and dandy because I’m awesome like that, but you’ll have at least a broken wrist or rib easy. The basic idea, is to at least look behind you before you make some erratic movement to see if someone like me is barelling towards you. That way we don’t run into each other and you get hurt k?
Couples are are the awkwardness of learning how to skate with the retardedness of the people who don’t pay attention to what’s going on around them. Couples are so busy loving each other and holding hands that they completely ignore everything around them, including my crazy self. To make matter worse, couples like to hold hands while being as far apart as they possibly can from each other, which I find really retarded. I mean, if you’re going to not be next to each other, then why hold hands? Either way, these couples make human trip wires or fences. Either one is really annoying to try and avoid. Now, put 20 of those in a space the size of two apartments and you see how daunting this can be for someone going 4 to 5 times faster than the rest of the traffic in the rink. Couples, should also stay close to the wall with the people learning how to skate, because they don’t care about anyone else, and they’re pretty much learning how to skate with each other so they’re learning how to skate.
The only thing that pisses me off more than couples, are High Schoolers. High Schoolers are the ultimate blend of the most annoying people you will find at an ice skating rink. Some of them are learning how to skate, they’re all so busy being friends that they could care less about anyone else, they’re all holding hands except that instead of it being two, it’s 10. So it’s basically the Berlin wall unless you’re my blend of crazy and like to duck under their arms, but sometimes they’re so tightly packed that not even a rampaging elephant on skates could get through them. I hate High Schoolers on the skating rink, and really they belong on their own skating rink.
I love ice skating, and even though these people bother me it adds a bit of danger to the mix and makes skating a bit more fun. However, if you fall into one of all of those groups just understand that I don’t hate you for not being awesome like me. I just wish you’d learn from my awesomeness and be awesome too. 😀